DELPHI程序员们万岁！大家来轻松一下，有没有什么关于编程的笑话？来交流一下吧。（大家有空就帮忙提前吧）(300分)

警卫队陪着领导赴宴会
交警队站在路边乱收费
队暴队打死百姓不定罪
刑警队案子未破酒先醉
主动加入黑社会 （主语不记得了）
治安队赶走嫖客自己睡。
这样的东东太多了。

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
好笑！

creation-zy 的 Windows Error Codes 最有意思，那个“Windows源程序”我看过英文版的，现在
看中文版的好别扭，毕竟程序都是用英文写的嘛 ：）
我也来贴一篇吧。
《恋爱程序》
#define AND &&
RESULT love(boy, girl)
void main( )
{
if( boy.有房() AND boy.有车() )
{
boy.Set(Nothing);
return girl.嫁给(boy);
}
else
if (girl.愿意等() )
{
next_year:
for( day=1;
day<=365;
day++)
{
if( day == 情人节 )
if( boy.GiveGirl(玫瑰) )
girl.感情++;
else
girl.感情--;
if( day == girl.生日)
if( boy.GiveGirl(玫瑰) )
girl.感情++;
else
girl.感情--;
boy.拼命赚钱();
}
年龄++;
girl.感情--;
if( boy.有房() AND boy.有车() )
{
boy.Set(Nothing);
return girl.嫁给(boy);
}
else

if( boy.赚钱 > 100,000 AND girl.感情 > 8 )
goto next_year;
else

return girl.goto( another_boy);
}
return girl.goto( another_boy);
}

要看新东西~~~~

oh my god

结束吧！
好笑吗？

i only want 分
hehe

拜托，给点创新精神好不好？

诸葛亮是三国时期著名网虫，在军事，政治和文学等领域有着很高的
造诣。
　　诸葛亮，网上登陆名为孔明，生于东汉末年，祖籍山东，后因不堪军
阀混战所带来的战乱，举家迁至湖北，在一个叫做“隆中”的网吧里认识
了他的女友，直至两人携手走入爱情的坟墓。其妻虽身为恐龙，但心灵手
巧，长于网络各方面知识，亲手将诸葛亮这一菜鸟培养成黑客级人物，并
帮助诸葛亮建立了个人主页。诸葛亮的主页日访问量不断创下纪录，同当
时另外一个名叫庞统的网友齐名，被人称作“卧龙”、“凤雏”。这段历
史，诸葛亮在他后来给蜀汉电信的第二任总裁兼首席行政官刘禅的《出师
帖》中曾有过描述，“臣本菜鸟，冲浪于南洋，苟活性命于网吧，不求闻
达于网友。”
　　后来由于诸葛亮的名声越来越大，得到很多人的仰慕。刘备就是他的
崇拜者之一。当时刘备的网站刚开张，总共不过十几台机子七八个猫，但
是刘备此人颇具虎狼之心，一心想发展自己的势力，他便想请诸葛亮这样
的人物出山辅佐他。他亲自跑到隆中网吧，拜访诸葛亮。头两次诸葛亮正
在网上跟美眉聊天聊得正欢，根本没空搭理他。到第三次时，正好碰上诸
葛亮掉线，刘备才得以见上一面。两人探讨了一下中国电信发展形势，诸
葛亮提出了三分东汉电信的构想，并主张同东吴电信网站进行技术和资源
的合作，以对抗最强大的曹魏电信，这与刘备的想法一拍即合，刘备就诚
恳地聘请诸葛亮当他网站的总经理，负责经营规划等方面的事宜。经过一
系列的讨价还价，诸葛亮答应就任网站总经理，双方举行新闻发布会，公
布了这一消息。
　　诸葛亮初出茅庐就表现不俗，首先将曹操在博望坡和新野分公司设立
的电子信箱炸掉，堵住了公司第二和第三大股东关羽和张飞的嘴。当然，
他的最经典之作是说服东吴电信，联合起来在赤壁一战中大败曹操。
　　当时，曹操急欲扩大自己的势力范围，兼并东吴电信，于是筹集了大
量资金，到赤壁建立一个网站。此举引起东吴电信上下极大的恐慌。经过
几天公司内部高层会议，决定全力抵制曹操的兼并举动。而同时诸葛亮也
得到消息，为了有一个公费到江南旅游顺便找美眉的机会，他极力上书刘
备，每天叽叽歪歪，长篇大论，刘备终于不堪其扰，批准他去建康（今南
京）。
　　诸葛亮到建康后，被东吴以张昭为首的一帮网上辩论高手围住，在江
苏议事圆的网络咖啡屋中进行现场网上辩论。诸葛亮凭借着高人一筹的打
字速度、良好的键盘性能和胡搅蛮缠的本事，将张昭等人弄得哑口无言，
取得了胜利。这就是著名的“舌战群儒”，实际上双方都是君子动手不动
口的。接着，诸葛亮又用曹操建立赤壁网站的目的是为了骗的大乔和小乔
两名江南头牌美眉的谎言，打翻了东吴电信总经理周瑜心中的醋坛子，成
功地劝说了东吴电信总裁孙权同意联合抗曹。

哈哈

唉，程序员的生活应该是多元化的，不只是在电脑前面打打程序而已！！！！！
大家轻松一下又有什么不妥？
我发现DELPHIBBS有些人太串啦，不看不就行啦吗，还要在这里乱发什么程序员考试之类的。
有的人真像跟屁虫！别在这里扮成熟！！！！！TMD！！！
也感谢真正在这里找到快乐的程序员们，祝你们工作顺利，生活愉快！

请大声朗读：卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿（^_^）
两头牛在吃草。其中一头说：“最近流行疯牛病，我们不会被传染上八？”另一头说：
“不会，我们是袋鼠呀。”

程序员20是奔腾，30是微软，40是松下，50是联想。

叹世界编程为何物。

直教我等生死相续！

送分的话就给我吧！

ha ha ha ha ......

聪明．懒惰．自以为是和不耐烦是程序员的共性
就比如好色是男人的共性一样

What is the difference between Bill Gates and God?
Goddo
esn't think he's Bill Gates.
Kelly Fulkerson <candyass_77401@yahoo.com>
Dallas, TX USA - Sunday, May 13, 2001 at 18:04:24 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In order to reduce the amount of confusion that end users might have in identifying the role of certain files that they have on their hard drives, Windows 2000 now incorporates "smart" file extensions to aid end users in support and troubleshooting issues. Please consult this reference guide before calling Microsoft or any authorized Microsoft Support Services vendor.
.god - Files developed by microsoft
.crap - 3rd party files
.porn - Adult image files on an umarried males computer
.bible - Adult image files on a married males computer
.easyaccess - Undocumented security flaws in Explorer, Outlook, and IIS
.forsakendreams - Unfinished novels and short stories
.lewinsky - Letters to your mistress
.jackson - Information files on your illegitimate children
.bush - New compression format that give you 1.6 Trillion times more disk space but may increase the amount of arsenic and CO that your computer produces
.china - Files that will hold 24 other files hostage if any attempts are made to reference the operating system.
.greenspan - New products that attempt to prevent overuse of the computer by dynamically adjusting the amount of memory your computer has available (adjusted quarterly).
Silk
- Friday, April 06, 2001 at 09:38:23 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Press any key to continue press any other key to escape
bad/missing mouse spank the cat?
unable to start up Word Perfect back up file "Paper &amp;
pencel.File"
Bad command go stand in the corner!
DL_Creepz <ccreeps@hotmail.com>
Brampton, Canada - Thursday, March 01, 2001 at 18:16:32 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who went outside to mow his lawn and why he was mowing it his really pretty,blond neighbor came out of her house opened her mailbox looked in and then
slammed the mailboxdo
or shut.then
She went back in the house.About five minutes later she came back out opened her mailbox looked in and slammed the mailboxdo
or shut.then
about another five minutes later she came back out opened her mailbox looked in and slammed the mailboxdo
or extra hard.So her neighbor said"What's the matter?" She replied"My stupid computer keeps saying I got mail!"
Rhiannon <drumbum@america.net>
G.A. U.S. - Wednesday, February 07, 2001 at 16:56:13 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the astronaut's favorite place on the computer?
The space bar
Naveen Khurana <naveen@clickta.com>
bangkok, bkk Thailand - Friday, January 19, 2001 at 07:12:20 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My internet service left me so poor, I got married just for the rice!
My internet service crashes so much, I have to wear a helmet!
Vampire Kitty <donutluvinvash@hotmail.com>
......., ...... ................. - Monday, January 08, 2001 at 17:55:49 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Gates' Eternity
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates,
we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've
been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me
in a good mood, I'll be generous
and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are
tormented and tortured.
He then
takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are
chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young
blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there
is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the
corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place
of all?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it
and the girl hasn't."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
d giles <dfgiles@hotmail.com>
dallas, tx usa - Thursday, January 04, 2001 at 10:34:32 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your computer is so slow, its only a 6 speed
bob <egyptiangoggles@aol.com>
rochester, MN USA - Friday, October 20, 2000 at 12:57:52 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talks of a possible merger between General Motors and Microsoft ended today with the two companies undecisive. GM has released recordings of the talks to the public and the talks ended with two sentences shown here:
Microsoft representative: "If GM has our technology, GM cars would be more fuel efficient and cleaner."
GM representative: "Yes, that's true, butdo
we really want government to sue us because their car crashes three or more times a day?"
- Wednesday, August 02, 2000 at 21:17:38 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My computer must be a guy because every time I walk near it, it gets turned on!
Tina <Hanson12@aol.com>
Orlando, FL USA - Monday, September 25, 2000 at 15:06:24 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa:Why did the computer whiz bring her computer to school?
Eddie:Her mom told her to give an apple to the teacher!
Jenna <sailormars@catlovers.com>
Morgantown, W.V. United States - Monday, September 18, 2000 at 17:40:13 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the fullform of MACINTOSH ?
A: Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs !
Abhishek <???>
Ziare, MNJ USA - Sunday, September 10, 2000 at 10:03:18 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a TRUE STORY:
I have now been working as a Computer Tech Support Agent (for a leading manufactor) for a few months now, and allready I have encounted quit a few really strange/funny calls.
I hear the "whisper" in my head peice, letting me know that I have about one second to start my opening statement, then
my job is to search the customer's serial #, and either regester them or read them the status of there warranty.
I start my opening statement when a very shocked woman interupts me and says "what?? whats going on?" ... She goes on to advise that she was talking to another agent about her audio problems and was put on hold - (aparantly another agent was so upset with her that they transfer her call right back to the front switchboard, and I received the call).
Not fully understanting what had really happened at the time, I informed the customer that something must be wrong with the phone switching. Customer says:"switching?? what is that? hey who am I speaking with?" Agent repetes the opening line. Customer says "who are you again?" I ingnored that question and went on to asked the customer what kind of product she had- she informed me "it's a computer", I went on to ask for her serial #, she informs me "I allready went thru all of this, whodo
you work for?", I explain.... then
she started raiseing her voice about her computer's audio problems - I try to ease her concerns by saying "Ah, I belive that I can help you with that mam, I'm a musican". Customer says: "WHAT??? - A MUSICIAN?? Oh great;
Hey whodo
you work for? Who am I speaking with?" Once again I giv her my name and the company's name, and informed her that I'm an electronic's major, troubleshoot computers for a liveing and that I play music only as a hobby.
The customer finally gave me her serial #, I found no previous case for her on that day (big suprise, in seeing the previous agent would off been fired if management knew what they had did). I seen that her warranty was valid, and when I tried to advise her of her warranty status (something we are all requred todo
) she kept shounting at me. I did discover that the company had replaced her entire computer system, after she had called in many times previously for the same problem. Now she had just set up her replacment computer, and still she had no sound. At this point I assume that she isnt hooking up the speakers up correctly, or the volume isdo
wn etc... She informs me the volume is up all the way and not muted. I asked her to check the back of the unit and tell me what the speakers are pluged into;
she replies "I have been thru this over and over, I even had 3 friends check it today- I have been thru this elementary stuff, thats not the problem!". I say, "well lets try it again one more time." She grunts in frustration, says "what the helldo
es this have todo
with anything?" I inform the customer that it's called troubleshooting and that I had to isolate the problem;
customer says "well whatever!". I asked if she has any headphones;
customer says "well I got this headset that I ordered in the mail, it's right in front of me in the package". I said "good thats just what we need". I asked her to go to the back of the unit, locate where the speaker wires were pluged in. Customer says "Whaa?? whats a speaker wire?, I'm not very electronical minded.."
I procede to try an educate the customer as to what speaker wires are, she interupts and says "can you help me or not??". So I tell her to get her headphones and go to the back of the unit. Customer says "there still in the bubble-wrap, shall I take them out?" - (agent mutes call to laugh) I say "why, yes, letsdo
that"';
customer says "do what? - Ido
nt understand any of this s**t!" I say "well are you behind the unit yet;
customer says "whaaa? Welldo
I take the headset out of the bubble-wrap or what?? I say "yes mam, take the headset out of the package material". Customer says "So this is troubleshooting, I sure hope that you know what yourdo
ing, I'm not very computer savery" I say "OK".
I asked the customer "welldo
you see where the speaker wires are pluged in yet?" Customer says "whatdo
Ido
with this head set, shall I take them out of the bubble-wrap?" Once again I advise her her, after a long pause, "yes take the head set out of the package."... Customer says "Ok, but I want you to know that Ido
nt like your customer service there". (I ignored that remark). then
the customer wants to know why anyone (the previous agent) would put her on hold and send the call to me. I explained that I didnt belive that was what had happened (yea, right..) and that the problem must been in our phone call switching eqt. Customer askes "whats switching?" - I try to explain when she interupts me to say "whaaa?? what are you saying? Who did you say that you worked for again?" - Once again I tell her my first name and the company that I work for.
After about 30 minutes I get the customer, with headset in hand, behind the computer. Customer says "Ido
nt like this, I have never been behind here before". Agent says "I understood you to say that you had checked all of the connections several times?" Customer says "What the helldo
es that have todo
with anything?" I started to reply when the customer says "oh yeah, tro-ble-shoot-ing... all I know is my computer has no sound and you guys arent helping me any." At that point everthing got wrose. The customer started unpluging wires that she had know idea what they were. She would unplug a cable and ask ME what she just did. She asked me which plug on the headset she should use. I informed her that she wants the wire that could not be traced to the headset speakers, not the microphone. Customer says "what the hell is a microphone? , and who did you say that you work for?"
I decided the headset test wasnt going to go far and that I would try to trace the speaker wires to see where they were feeding. Customer advised that the speakers were on both sides of the computer. She refered to the monitor as her computer and at this point I had no idea if she had even looked at the back of the PC or if she had been behind the monitor. I said, ok mam, take your hand and grab ahold of one of the speaker cables and see where it goes. Customer says "Whaa? what are you talking about I told you that I'm not very technicall minded". At that point I had no other options. I asked the customer if she could have a relative or friend who could call to help us troubleshoot. Customer says "yea, maybe that will work.... who did you say you worked for again? I'm not very computer illleteriate"
then
the customer starts "venting", letting me know how bad our company sucks and that she wanted to talk to a supervisor. I say "Sure I cando
that for you mam, if you would not mind holding", She says "yea, I have been thru so much s**t with you guys that..." I stand up and see a supervisor not very busy and start to put her on hold.. Suddenly she proclaims "Well, nevermind... I have to go and eat. All of this high tech work has drained me"... I say, "Ok mam, I will put this in my notes and..." She interupts me to say: "Hey, just one second... I think that I found the wire that your talking about, could it be the gray one here?......"
The next thing that I heard was a loud: .... "CLICK! ....(discontected)..........."
Happily, I closed the call speaking to dead air. (all in a day's work)
Terry Bates <Terry333333@yahoo.com>
Winchester, Ky USA - Wednesday, August 23, 2000 at 17:13:27 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Customer: That's great. I'll take two of them!
Jonathan Hatt
Leeds, UK - Saturday, August 12, 2000 at 09:02:38 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Want a cool website? Go to hell.com
john <juanito0341@hotmail.com>
townsville, mi USA - Tuesday, July 25, 2000 at 04:46:53 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Momma is so ugly, she can't turn ON a computer.
Johnny Whity <StOneCoLdiSGoD@aol.com>
Buddha, NY Mexico - Sunday, July 16, 2000 at 16:39:55 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There lived a man who, from his very childhood had very intense &amp;
profund thoughts.His dream was to become a great thinker who would be ahead of his time, pass information,very vital information,information so vital that it would be concerning the very basis of their (the peoples) current positions which ofcourse they would be unable to comprehend and he knew this would add to his mystique .He tried very hard at speaking in public and at intellectual gatherings but he was an utter failure,so frustrated was he, that he almost decided on ending his life.Just then
a billionaire with a babyface walked into his house, hired him, and helped him realise his life's ambition. yes he now works for MICROSOFT as an error message writer for windows.
sankar kalyan <sankarkalyan@hotmail.com>
mumbai, mah india - Sunday, June 18, 2000 at 01:05:09 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whatdo
you get when you cross a computer with an alligator?
A megabite!!!!!!!
??? <???>
???, CA Usa - Monday, April 24, 2000 at 23:30:03 (CDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A:The computer takes 3 1/2 inch floppies.
mitch <dakirbster07@aol.com>
marblehead, MA - Wednesday, March 15, 2000 at 18:56:20 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Gates dies, GOD says to him,"You have your choice of going to Heaven or going to Hell." Bill Gates first visits Hell, when he arrives, he sees that everyone is happy. The sun is shining,the hills are covered green with grass, people are singing and dancing, children are laughing and playing. "This looks like a nice place to spend eternity", Bill says. Bill then
visits Heaven and finds that the people are very unhappy. Some of the people there are being tortured, others are hard at work lifting and moving heavy boulders. There is nothing but fire and brimstone for as far as the eye can see. "Screw this",he says,"I'm going back to Hell!" But when he goes back to Hell, there is fire and brimstone,people are being tortured,while others move and lift boulders. Just then
, Bill sees SATAN and hurries over to him. "Hey," Bill asks,"what happened? The last time I was here everyone was so happy." SATAN says, "Oh, that was just our screen saver."
- Monday, March 13, 2000 at 15:06:41 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Microsoft built cars,everytime you apply emergency brakes a message appears "Are You Sure" Y/N .....................Wait Please!!!!!!!....loading information database..."
Have you heard "Bill's radio has an Ms-Dos program"
Aussy-Tee <inyathiv@telcovic.co.zw>
Victoria-Falls, ZW Zimbabwe - Monday, March 13, 2000 at 02:22:50 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE 1.0 UPGRADE
The following is a letter from a computer user writing to Helpdesk:
Dear Sir
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-installdo
es not work on this program. Can you help me?
Jonathan

Response:
Dear Sir,
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &amp;
ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed todo
this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the "apologize" button then
"reset" button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but you incur very high maintenance costs.


Standup Comic Person
- Thursday, February 03, 2000 at 06:10:15 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO READ THE WANT ADS
With IT salaries rising and jobs begging for applicants, many people are looking at career opportunities and considering employment changes. Yet the plethora of on-line ad copy promoting positions is bewildering in detail and content. To help the potential job-seeker sort out the information and pick up on the nuances of recruiter come-ons, here is a handy dictionary for reading between the lines:
A TEAM PLAYER: other people take credit for all your work.
SELF-DIRECTED: management is always unavailable in meetings.
EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION SKILLS: you will get blamed for everything, so you need to be good at making excuses.
ABLE TO HANDLE MULTIPLE TASKS: you will have todo
the work of the three people who quit to accept better offers.
SELF-STARTER: everyone else
is going to criticize you.
GOOD WRITING SKILLS: there will be lots of meaningless paperwork to contend with.
OBJECT ORIENTED PROGRAMMER: you might be using a C++ compiler.
MCSD/MCSE REQUIRED: taking multiple choice tests is somehow part of the contract deliverable.
TWENTY YEARS JAVA EXPERIENCE WANTED: yes, there are ads that ask for things like this--from regimented bureaucracies out of touch with reality. You wouldn't like the pigeonhole even if you had the experience.
LEADING EDGE PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT: the company founders are about to sell the vaporware concept, cash out, and leave you todo
the actual implementation on your own.
GREAT WORK ENVIRONMENT: your cubicle is large enough to fit a guest chair without knocking knees.
LEARNING ENVIRONMENT: no one knows what they aredo
ing.
FAMILY-ORIENTED COMPANY: they are in violation of the child labor laws.
CONTRACT-TO-HIRE: theydo
n't know a good programmer when they see one.
PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE: no one will be able to understand or appreciate the quality of work youdo
, so you will be judged on appearance.
CASUAL ATMOSPHERE: upper management won't know you exist, so no one cares how you dress.
INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGING ENVIRONMENT: you will work with many intellectually challenged people.
FAST-PACED ENVIRONMENT: the schedules are ridiculously compressed. Make sure you have a list of restaurants that are open late and deliver.
FLEXIBLE WORK HOURS: come to work anytime before 8 a.m. and leave anytime after 6 p.m. if your task is on schedule.
GREAT BENEFITS: the same HMO you have now, plus all legal holidays are observed.
WILLING TO RELOCATE: the company has to recruit out-of-town because there reputation is so bad that no one in their right mind would work there.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: if you only worked 40 hours a week;
counting mandatory overtime, all bets are off.
SALARY REVIEW IN SIX MONTHS: assuming you are dumb enough not to be reviewing it right now.
(Try running the above sentence through Microsoft Word's spell checker. You may get a laugh. Really.)
REFERENCES REQUIRED: a thief thinks all men steal. On the other hand, I once interviewed for a job vacated by someone arrested for murdering their girlfriend.
Wonder what his references said?
STOCK OPTIONS: that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee.
GREAT 401K PLAN: you are not considered important enough for stock options.
GREAT STOCK PURCHASE PLAN: you are not considered important enough for a 401K plan.
GREAT EMPLOYEE RECOGNITION PLAN: you _are_ considered to be as important (and intelligent) as a circus animal.
OPPORTUNITY FOR CAREER ADVANCEMENT: the last person who had the job got a much better position else
where after only six months.
HIGH-FLYING COMPANY: even the programmers have to worry about the quarterly results.
FAST-GROWING COMPANY: expect to be called as a witness in the fraud trial.
ON-THE-JOB-TRAINING: no one has pilfered the user's manuals from the lab yet.
BRIGHT, MOTIVATED PEOPLE WANTED: bright, motivated people have turned the jobdo
wn flat, so the position is wide open for anyone that wants it.
SALARY HISTORY REQUIRED: they can't afford to pay you what you're worth, sodo
n't bother.
TEAM LEAD POSITION: management knows the project isdo
omed, so now they need a scapegoat.
FORMAL METHODOLOGY EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: you will be selling clothes to an emperor.
BIG FIVE CONSULTING EXPERIENCE DESIRED: your work will be billed at unimaginable rates, and the client will expect you to perform as though you got a significant fraction of it.
PROJECT MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE NECESSARY: everything is out of control and management is clueless as to what the project is even supposed todo
.
SYSTEM ARCHITECT NEEDED: the original designdo
esn't work, and even the consultants say it can't bedo
ne.
DOCUMENTATION EXPERIENCE HELPFUL: everyone who knew anything quit in disgust and nothing is known about the project except the deadline (which is past).
OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE INTO MANAGEMENT: this project is so important to some executive's career that if you can pull it off, you will never have todo
productive work again.
Evil Genius <EvilGenius@univ-wea.com>
Houston, TX USA - Wednesday, February 02, 2000 at 16:55:09 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Times certainly change. For example, let's compare the
[San Fernando] Valley Girl versus the [Silicon] Valley Girl.
Hung out at the shopping mall.
Hangs out at Fry's Electronics.
Thought Moon Unit was Frank Zappa's daughter.
Thinks Moon Unit is a NASA program.
Spoke a strange dialect like gag me.
Speaks a strange dialect edo
t com.
Wore rags and thought they were fashionable.
Wears rags because she can't be bothered to shop.
Didn't like using long words.
Doesn't like using long variable names.
Carried everything in a sleek little purse.
Carries everything in a sleek little laptop.
Attracted to boys who had a lot of money.
Attracts men because she has a lot of money.
Thought school was a drag but went for the social life.
Thinks work is a drag but its her only social life.
Spent a lot of time grooming herself to be attractive.
Spends a lot of time grooming her start-up IPO to be attractive.
Didn't like the idea ofdo
ing windows.
Stilldo
esn't like the idea ofdo
ing Windows.

Evil Genius <EvilGenius@univ-wea.com>
Houston, TX USA - Friday, January 14, 2000 at 13:47:55 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"MOUSE BALLS"

Mouse balls are now available as a FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate
nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.do
mestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.do
mestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are
not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his ball should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

Lynnanne
Calif - Wednesday, December 22, 1999 at 22:46:15 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just for fun, lets compare the conditions of lab rats and
the typical computer programmer:
Lab Rats Programmers
Wander through endless Wander through endless
mazes hopelessly searching mazes of cubicles hopeless
for a way out of finding a way out.
Have no control over their Have no control over their
ambient temperature, ambient temperature,
lighting, or noise levels lighting, or noise levels.
Eat and sleep only at Eat and sleep only when
scheduled times they are lucky.
Have a very popular animated Had a miserably failed
cartoon describing their animated cartoon describing
ridiculous exploits their ridiculous exploits.
Constantly under observation Constantly under observation
with no privacy with no privacy.
Expected to perform foolish Expected to perform foolish
actions repeatedly for actions repeatedly for
insignificant rewards insignificant compensation.
Generate large amounts of Generate large amounts of work
feces that someone else
that amounts to feces for
has to clean up someone else
to clean up.
Hideous and inhumane Hideous and inhumane treatment
experiments performed upon in the name of profits and
them in name of science meeting deadlines.
Dissected and disposed of at Feel dissected and disposed of
the end of an experiment at the end of a project.
Copulate whenever they Huh?
feel like it
Evil Genius <EvilGenius@univ-wea.com>
Houston, TX USA - Monday, December 20, 1999 at 16:45:46 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Software helpline excerpt ..................
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if youdo
n't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else
. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he cando
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files beforedo
ing the uninstall itself. then
Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources
John Smith <jsmith@common.com>
New York, NY US - Wednesday, December 15, 1999 at 00:16:22 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the tune of "HOTEL CALIFORNIA", with apologies to The Eagles.
In a lofty corporation, cool chill up my spine, reading estimations, of a buck or more per line.
Up ahead in the future, though the budget's been tight, we must convert the programs, where
legacy code saved 2 bytes.
Desperately needing people, I met the contractor from Hell, and I was thinking to myself, "He
could overcharge us anddo
quite well."
then
we surveyed the system, and it ruined my day. I get E-mail more and more;
they would mostly
say:
"Welcome to the Y2K conversion. Every companies fate, to find an invalid date.
Welcome to the Y2K Conversion. Every program we fear, contains a 2 digit year."
Our annual budget got twisted. Wedo
n't have MVS/ESA. We got a bunch of slow programs, that
run all day.
As they talk in the meetings, Some tempers hot, Some things are remembered. Most things are
forgot.
So I call up the vendor, "Please fix our online". He says "We won't be compliant here, till 1999."
And still our clients are calling, from far away. Wake me up in the middle of the night just to hear
them say:
"Welcome to the Y2K conversion. Every companies fate, to find an invalid date.
Welcome to the Y2K Conversion. Every program we fear, contains a 2 digit year."
Ido
n't manage Systems, They wouldn't take my advice. We are all just prisoners here, of a slow
device.
To complicate our problems, our analysts look like fools. Instead of careful research, they argue
leap year rules.
One thing to remember, when your programmers want paid more, They can get a big offer, from
that high tech firm nextdo
or.
"Good Lord!" said our founder, "Am I to perceive, all this work with no improvements? This I can't
believe!"

petalsnthorns <petalsnthorns@hotmail.com>
- Wednesday, December 01, 1999 at 16:08:05 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"MOM WERE YOU ON MY COMPUTER"
(mom)"no"
then
why is there white out all over my screen?

why is macintosh like old women
1: they can go for some time but then
crash
2: they eventully will die
3: they say y2k is yes to kia
4: the are rinkled anddo
nt have any men to get like windows
5: they are hard to upgrade beacause they are old
samprice <n/a>
tr, wi u.s.a - Saturday, November 27, 1999 at 23:24:24 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Bill Gates dies...
God meets up with him and tells him since he's been so good to the world with his software and all that he could choose where he wants to go.
So Bill Gates decides he wants to go to see hell first before he chooses. God leads him to hell and Bill Gates is amazed with the beauty of it. It has a beach with ladies in bikinis running around and alot of good stuff.
Bill Gates says " if this is hell lets see heaven! "
So God takes him to heaven and there it is real peaceful and glittery. Its a calm place with mansions every which way. then
God asks him where he wants to go.
Bill Gates answers " i want to go to hell."
****2 weeks later****
God goesdo
wn to see how Bill Gates isdo
ing and he sees Bill Gates pinned to the wall being struck with a wip.
Bill Gates yells "why did it look so pretty before?!?"
God answers "That was just the screen saver"
Joshua <dynokeg@aol.com>
Mission, TX USA - Monday, November 22, 1999 at 22:30:01 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Letter From Your Computer
***************************

You look really sexy in that......thing you've got on tonight.
I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail.
When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on his keys.
You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.
If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!
But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command.
Yes, Master! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes, Master! I'll run your silly program.
Don't get me wrong....I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?
Maybe instead of just ramming in the diskette, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first.
And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, maybe could talk for a while afterwards?
I know computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different!
I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby,do
n't fight it.
You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and.......
And....... What?
Ok.......well........will you at least think about it?

I'm so embarrassed,
Your Computer
Nicole <mst3K_99@hotmail.com>
USA - Saturday, November 20, 1999 at 00:15:53 (CST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary"
11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but hedo
esn'tdo
windows -- yet.
9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billiondo
llars.
1. Seventh day: rested.
Devan <dsylvester@usa.net>
Langley, BC Canada - Tuesday, November 09, 1999 at 20:00:03 (EST)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your
computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom
and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty
feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or
two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because shedo
esn't
have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel
really depressed.
9. Youdo
n't know the gender of your three closest friends
because they have nondescript screen name and you never
bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape"
before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, youdo
n't laugh, you just
say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward
it to a friend!
Nilima <n_nilima@hotmail.com>
Auckland, New Zealand - Tuesday, October 26, 1999 at 03:56:30 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98?
3 years
- Monday, October 11, 1999 at 17:46:22 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miocrosoft announced today Windows 2000 release delayed until second quarter 1901
Bill Gates
- Saturday, October 09, 1999 at 05:02:14 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howdo
you trap a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a shampoo bottle that says
Lather
Rinse
Repeat
Tracy Vest
Jacksonville, FL - Wednesday, September 29, 1999 at 22:06:35 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Typical problem with my IMAC:
Keyboard Error: No Keyboard
Press any key to continue.
Mark D <Werewlf099@aol.com>
NJ USA - Monday, September 20, 1999 at 19:30:21 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Owed to the Spelling Checker"

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pour o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Be fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.
Now spellingdo
es knot phase me,
Itdo
es knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft ware four pea seas.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.

Tri Tran-Viet <damaaan@netzero.net>
Huntington Beach, CA - Friday, September 17, 1999 at 14:20:58 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12-STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sitdo
wn and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TVdo
wn so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Tri Tran-Viet <damaaan@netzero.net>
Huntington Beach, CA - Friday, September 17, 1999 at 14:18:36 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Know why Macintosh is better than Windows? They knew the
millenium was gonna change!
BILL GATES PLEASEdo
N'T SUE ME!!
- Thursday, September 16, 1999 at 17:50:24 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
do
S: Defective Operating System.
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.
ISDN: It Stilldo
es Nothing.

Thomas Kirkland <kirkland18@hotmail.com>
Norwich, NR7 8DL ENGLAND - Monday, September 13, 1999 at 05:12:51 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Macintosh
Mabye I will run the program now, or in a year
And then
I will flip a coin to decid if I freeze
'Course I will most likly freeze because of memory loss.
I just love to bring up messages like "CAN NOT FIND file
Not to say Ido
nt like working for you
Though I would rather think of deviously obnoxious ways to freeze up.
Of course, you could buy a windows program for me
Slow is my name
Having a nice day? look over, your 300 pages are deleted.
ERic <theromond@cs.com>
williston, vt usa - Wednesday, September 08, 1999 at 18:08:38 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What type of programmer are you looking for?
A: I need a user-friendly programmer who can build user-friendly applications.
Kelly Hoang <khoang@earthtech.com>
Long Beach, CA USA - Friday, August 27, 1999 at 13:09:20 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can tell Microsoft made this!
Keyboard error. Press F1 to continue.
Graeme <polly032@hotmail.com>
- Friday, August 06, 1999 at 11:17:20 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't MICROSOFT built any cars?
Cause when an accident happens the airbag always asks:
"Are you shure?"
<Sammy007@aon.at>
A - Tuesday, July 27, 1999 at 18:45:13 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine - a computerman - went out for a date
with a rather shy girl named Kate.
By accident it happened that I sat in the same cafe when
they were already there. A minute later I heard
George saying: "Please Kate, you are making me real
nervous! Stop blinking at me like a CURSOR!!!"
Nicky Harbov <nicky@telecoms.bg>
Varna, BG Bulgaria - Tuesday, July 27, 1999 at 08:11:37 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, we're coming up on the new Millennium.. Pretty soon everyone will be screaming, "Y2K, Y2K!
Maybe it's me....Maybe Ido
n't know that much about computers or I'm ignorant....but if my computer goesdo
wn, who cares?
It's not like it's gonna affect me!
...I mean...Ido
n't know about the rest of you, but I'vedo
wnloaded enough "nudie pictures" to last me a lifetime!
Rich Allen <Cashman25@aol.com>
Fort Lauderdale, Fl usa - Monday, June 28, 1999 at 00:26:17 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The only thing that you can'tdo
with a Linux system is crash it.
- Tuesday, June 22, 1999 at 00:36:02 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Microsoft built cars....
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have
to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and carry on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail
to restart and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason,
you'd just accept this this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 97"
or a "Car NT", but then
you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast,
twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on 5% of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars,
which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by
a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Tri Tran-Viet <Tri@TheGrid.net>
Huntington Beach, CA - Tuesday, June 15, 1999 at 04:55:27 (EDT)