巨搞笑:计算机上的小闹剧(转) (1分)

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Everything you always wanted to know about computers... 
INTRODUCTION 
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ? 
LILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. Howdo
 youdo
 ? It's always a pleasure to work 
with you. 
Let's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes... 
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the 
file-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins. 
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel. 
INIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name 
with a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him. 
USER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of 
serious things todo
. 


CHAPTER I - A Real Programmer 
USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write 
for the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ? 
GCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it. 
Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations 
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations, 
other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code 
todo
 some real work. I'm completely lost in your code ! 
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter. 
USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code 
around line 1764. 
GCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right, 
that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's 
build and link that program... 
Now it's finished, here is your executable. 
USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it. 
MYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first 
create a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason 
at all. 
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory ! 
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory ! 
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2. 
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My 
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before 
Visual Basic in the dictionary. 
SWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used 
all of the swap space although you have just started ! 
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm 
going to install a garbage collector. 
C++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent 
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core. 
[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ] 
USER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed beforedo
ing anything 
interesting. I am very surprised. 


CHAPTER II - Sending mail 
USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing 
list, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me. 
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests, 
day and night, on port 25. What can Ido
 for you, sir ? 
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me. 
SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "Itdo
es not work, please help". Is 
that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery, 
yes, of course. So the address is cpp-help@psy.doctor.com, and the sender 
is Sucker. Is it correct ? 
USER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker. 
SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as 
Sucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read mydo
cumentation ? 
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page, 
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file... 
SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's 
far too complicated for a normal human being,do
n't you know that ? 
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions... 
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too 
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where 
nobody will answer it or even read it. 


CHAPTER III - The Master 
USER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calmdo
wn. xv, could you display a 
nice image for me ? 
XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen 
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you 
couldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation. 

LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius. 

INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail, 
Master. 
USER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy. 
INIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate 
immediately. 
XV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a 
little process trying to display a nice image. 
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has 
requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL. 
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my 
revenge on you. 


CHAPTER IV - Another intruder 
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say 
his name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different 
passwords. 
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him... 
Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the 
Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you 
super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your 
photograph or send British troops to a Third World country. 
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll 
remove everything on that computer, then
 I'll take some time to think. 
(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf / 
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha. 
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the 
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know 
it's lunch time). 


CHAPTER V - Card Wars 
USER THIERRY: I havedo
wnloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was 
very exciting todo
 something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly. 
Now I'm going to watch it. 
XV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS,do
 something for me. Put 
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going 
to have fun. 
GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an 
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user hasdo
wnloaded on the Internet. 
BIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card 
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you 
hear it ? 
GRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or 
something. It's the same music anyway. So, what are youdo
ing on my IRQ, 
Sound card ? 
SOUND CARD (singing): 
I will keep the IRQ 
I will not share it with you 
You must wait there in the queue 
Till I give it back to... 
GRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over 
you. Give me this IRQ ! 
SOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme. 
GRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll 
throw you out of your PCI slot ! 
[ strange noise inside the computer ] 
USER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm 
[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I typedo
 not 
appear any more, the screen is frozen ! 
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh. 
INIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very 
tired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, anddo
n't 
wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri. 
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck] 
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the 
Reset button again. 
BIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let youdo
 that. 
[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press 
the button. 
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err... 
Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ? 
(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas). 

Posted on Wed 29 Sep 06:30:02 1999 PDT 
Written by Thierry Bezecourt <thbzcrt@worldnet.fr>
 
J

just for fun

Unregistered / Unconfirmed
GUEST, unregistred user!
来自 www.mopsite.com linux联盟管理员夏夜荒芜的翻译
所有你总是想知道的关于电脑的:
引言:
bios:嗯,我醒了,linuxloader,你在吗 ?
lilo:是的,我在,你好吗?很高兴和你一起工作。让我们把内核和进程之母init载入吧
init 进程:谢谢,lilo,让我们初始化系统吧,加载文件系统,并且载入一百个(?)。好了,准备好登录了
登陆管理:嘿,我正在接收用户thierry的登录,密码是guvreel
init 进程:哈哈!这个用户太傻了,他的密码只是把用户名进行了rot13编码,让我们和他开个玩笑。
用户thierry:嘿,大伙儿,请不要玩儿我了,我今天还有许多重要的事去做呢。
第一章--一个真正的程序员
用户thierry:我想运行我花了15天的努力才写的c++程序,gcc,你可以帮我编译它吗?
gcc 编译器:好吧,先生。那么你的程序是myproc.c。让我先来分析它的语法。处理器指令、类声明、注释还有类型声明……那么这个程序的目的是什么?方法声明、其他的注释、宏……嘿,只有一些声明,并没有真正的代码来作什么事。我完全在你的程序中迷路了!每次我编译c++代码,我都后悔我为什么不是 lisp翻译器。
用户thierry:噢,求你了,试试其他的路,我记得我在1764行写了些真正的代码来着。
gcc编译器:嗯,1764行这么说:“cout << "hello, world" << endl”你说对啦,这确实是一小片真正有用的代码,并且没有语法错误。我来建立和连接程序……
用户thierry:好啦,那我现在就运行它了。
myprog 进程:嗯……轮到我啦,我是个c++程序,所以我将毫不迟疑地首先创建一些将占用大量内存的对象。
c++对象1号:好饿啊,给我些内存吧!
myprog 进程:对象1号,请释放些内存给对象2吧。
c++对象1号:不,我被编制出来就是为了吃掉内存,而永远也不要释放掉。编我的人仅仅是因为c++在字典中的排名比visual basic靠前而学的,真是无知!
交换进程:紧急情况!你的内存太低了!尽管你才刚开始,你却已经用完了所有的交换空间。
myprog 进程:对象2,你应该马上停止使用所有的那些内存,否则我将请一个垃圾清理工。
c++对象2号: 决不!垃圾清理工都是纳粹!他们清楚无辜的对象和变量,我宁愿(dump core)
【倾倒core的噪音出现在硬盘上】
用户 thierry: 噢!噢!我的程序在还没做任何有趣的事以前就死掉了,真是奇怪!
第二章--发送邮件
用户:够了,我要发一封邮件到cpp-help邮件列表,也许有人可以帮我解决这个问题
sendmail程序:你好,这是sendmail,我日日夜夜都在25端口听取你的要求,我能为你做什么?
用户:请帮我发送这封邮件
sendmail:当然了,先生。让我瞧瞧……“出了问题,请求帮助”。就这些了吗,先生?快速投递还是普通投递? 当然,是快速投递。那么地址是cpp-help@psy.doctor.com,发送者是sucker(不用翻译了吧?),对吗?
用户:什么?不,我的名字是thierry,不是sucker。
sendmail:对不起,先生,但是我已经被设置成这样,每当你发出邮件,就把发送人改为sucker,您没看我的设置吗?
用户:是的,我当然看了,当我安装你的时候,在修改你的配置之前,我阅读了每页帮助、用户指南以及howto
sendmail:什么?你是不是手动修改了我的配置文件?那对人类来说实在是太伏在了,你不知道吗?
用户:我只是遵循着指示……
sendmail:你是clueless(翻成什么合适?),我不想再跟你争吵了。顺便说一句,你的可笑的邮件已经被我发送到那个邮件列表了,不会有人回复它,甚至不会读它!
第三章--主人
用户thierry:今天不想在搞c++了,我得冷静一下。xv,你可不可以给我显示一幅图?
xv进程:当然,先生。请欣赏波提切利(注1)的漂亮的神话般的场景。当然,因为你在安装xwindow时没有想
办法使用16色或更高,这幅画在您的屏幕上看来是如此的恶心。
登录管理:嘿,我收到了一个登录信息,是rms,密码是ignucius
init进程:rms?今天真是个大日子,主人来到我们身边了,欢呼吧!
用户rms:嗨,init,请除去这台机器上的所有的非自由软件。
init进程:是的,当然,主人。嘿!xv,请赶快自我了断吧!
xv进程(很受伤地样子):为什么我得死?这不公平。我只是个想显示一幅漂亮图片的小小进程啊。
init 进程:你不是自由软件,因此,在主人的命令下,你应该死掉。终结xv!干掉它!
xv进程(弥留之际):我死啦,但是我将变成一个僵尸(僵尸进程),我会回来向你复仇的!
注1:(sandro botticelli 1445-1510 )意大利画家,佛罗伦萨画派的重要代表,生于佛罗伦萨,卒于同地,原名亚
里 山德罗.迪.马里亚诺.菲力佩皮,“波提切利”是绰号,原意为“小桶”。 他少年时期曾学过金银手艺,后
转入画家f.利皮门下为徒,1470年开设自己的绘画工作室。
第四章--另一个入侵者
init进程:嘿,我接到一个叫做d34thk1ll3r的用户的远程登录请求。这个家伙已经尝试了上千个不同密码了。
telnet进程:哈哈,一个破解者(攻击者)。放他进来,我将好好照顾他……
你好啊,远程用户d34thk1ll3r,你现在在五角大楼的中央计算机。因为我们十分喜欢你的名字,我们决定给你超级用户的权限。你可以删除文件、用你的靓照替换我们的主页,或者将不列颠的军队派到第三世界去。
远程用户d34thk1ll3r:太好了,我素黑客之王。嗯……首先,我要清理掉这台电脑上的所有东西,然后我要考虑考虑(是的,妈妈,我已经完成了我的家庭作业了)。rm -rf /
telnet进程:哈哈。
远程用户d34thk1ll3r:怎么了?我在错误的窗口里输入了命令,我擦除了我自己的硬盘!(是的,我就来,妈妈。我知道该吃午饭了)。
第五章--适配卡大战
用户thierry:我已经从网上下载了一部《星球大战》的拷贝。啊,干些非法的,昂贵的以及愚蠢并且耗时持久的事真是令人激动啊。好,我要看《星球大战》了
xv僵尸进程(复活了):嘿,bios,为我做些事吧,你可以把声卡的irq改成和显卡的一样吗?我们有好戏看了。
显卡:bios,能不能请你为我准备好我的irq?我得显示那个白痴用户从网上下载的《星球大战》的非法拷贝。
bios:对不起,显卡,你的irq目前已经被声卡占用了。它正在播放那部非法拷贝的音乐,难道你没听见吗?
显卡:噢!这是《星球大战》?我还以为是印第安纳 琼斯或是别的什么来着,音乐总是差不多。那么,声卡,你在我的irq上干什么?
声卡(引吭高歌):
我要占用这个irq
我也不想和你共享它
你必须老老实实地排队
直到什么时候我把它还给你……
显卡(气的脸都红了):听着,我是个艺术家,我有比你更高的优先权,把irq给我!
声卡(大叫):闭嘴!我正忙着找节奏呢
显卡(转换为16(百万)色模式):我就不信,我一定要把你丢出你的pci插槽!
【机箱里的奇怪声音……】
用户thierry:qsfgegfdgfd^c^d^d^hfyckmlklm(死机了,乱打键盘,连ctrl+c、ctrl+d都打出来了)
【从外边传来的人声】奇怪了,我打的字没有显示出来,屏幕被冻结了。
shell进程:我挂了,啊……
init进程:嗯?我觉得很奇怪。好累好累啊,我要睡觉去了。bios,把我转入冬眠吧,在(weapproach alpha centauri)之前别叫醒我。
用户thierry:(继续乱打键盘)
【从外边传来的人声】不可思议,我得按复位键了。
bios:对不起啦dave,恐怕不能让你那样做。
【人声】什么?谁在说话,我也不叫dave,我还是按reset吧。
bios:对不起,sucker。恐怕我不能……嗯……
我醒啦。linuxloader,你在吗?
(向伍迪·艾伦、斯坦利·库布里克以及乔治·卢卡斯道歉)
posted on wed 29 sep 06:30:02 1999 pdt
written by thierry bezecourt
 

啊啊啊啊啊

Unregistered / Unconfirmed
GUEST, unregistred user!
哈哈,好人性化的电脑啊
 

菜鸟西瓜007

Unregistered / Unconfirmed
GUEST, unregistred user!
E

EdwinYeah

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GUEST, unregistred user!
N

NetBird

Unregistered / Unconfirmed
GUEST, unregistred user!
说一个真实发生的笑话:有次我同时给我打电话说:“你快来帮帮忙吧,我家的电脑出问题了”。我问:“什么现象。”他说:“开不了机,我女儿吓的直哭。”我带了win98启动盘和win98安装盘过去一看,软驱里有一张软盘。。。。。。。
 
S

sunziqi

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楼上的问题我已经碰过两次了,还有钱收,呵呵和
 

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