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just for fun
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Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
INTRODUCTION
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
LILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. Howdo
youdo
? It's always a pleasure to work
with you.
Let's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
file-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
INIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
with a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
USER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things todo
.
CHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
for the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
GCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
todo
some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
around line 1764.
GCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
build and link that program...
Now it's finished, here is your executable.
USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
MYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
create a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
Visual Basic in the dictionary.
SWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
all of the swap space although you have just started !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
going to install a garbage collector.
C++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
USER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed beforedo
ing anything
interesting. I am very surprised.
CHAPTER II - Sending mail
USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
list, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
day and night, on port 25. What can Ido
for you, sir ?
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "Itdo
es not work, please help". Is
that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
yes, of course. So the address is cpp-help@psy.doctor.com, and the sender
is Sucker. Is it correct ?
USER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
Sucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read mydo
cumentation ?
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being,do
n't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
nobody will answer it or even read it.
CHAPTER III - The Master
USER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calmdo
wn. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
couldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.
INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
Master.
USER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
INIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
immediately.
XV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
little process trying to display a nice image.
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
revenge on you.
CHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
his name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
passwords.
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
photograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
remove everything on that computer, then
I'll take some time to think.
(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
it's lunch time).
CHAPTER V - Card Wars
USER THIERRY: I havedo
wnloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
very exciting todo
something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
Now I'm going to watch it.
XV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS,do
something for me. Put
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
to have fun.
GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user hasdo
wnloaded on the Internet.
BIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
hear it ?
GRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
something. It's the same music anyway. So, what are youdo
ing on my IRQ,
Sound card ?
SOUND CARD (singing):
I will keep the IRQ
I will not share it with you
You must wait there in the queue
Till I give it back to...
GRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
you. Give me this IRQ !
SOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
GRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
throw you out of your PCI slot !
[ strange noise inside the computer ]
USER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I typedo
not
appear any more, the screen is frozen !
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
INIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
tired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, anddo
n't
wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
Reset button again.
BIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let youdo
that.
[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
the button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).
Posted on Wed 29 Sep 06:30:02 1999 PDT
Written by Thierry Bezecourt <thbzcrt@worldnet.fr>
]